Make Every Sentence Sing

When it comes to editing something that you think you are finished writing, I’m a huge advocate of printing a hard copy and getting in there with a pen. Once I have that hard copy, I try to make a mark as soon as possible. It’s not a sacred text, and it’s me telling me that this is what it’s about: Live with each sentence on its own (and in relation to the sentences around it) and, well… rip that thing up.

For this post, I took the opening page from my short story, “Reception”, which has been published in a magazine and later collected in my first short story collection, Emergency Stopping and Other Stories (Bottom Dog Press). Should 50 year old Van be tampering with the work of 34 year old Van? Probably not. But it was eye-opening to see how I've grown in my ability to edit. Obviously you can't wait 16 years in between "finishing" and then editing that which you thought was finished.

But, letting a piece simmer for awhile so you can come down off the high of thinking you're done can help make you aware of some poor/questionable choices.

Here's what the first page looked like after I finished going after it with my red pen.

So you don't have to try to read that let me walk you through some of the changes.

From the jump, I was already making changes...

The first lines read: In the dim light of the reception hall Catherine became aware of Michael, her husband, striding towards her. His feet kicked up dead leaves as he walked.

I changed that to: In the dim light of the reception hall Catherine spotted her husband walking towards her. Michael's feet kicked up dead leaves.

I thought "striding" was trying a little too hard. I changed the whole "Michael, her husband," thing. I think it's pretty clear that the Michael of the second sentence is the same person. The wording "became aware of" is just wordy, and so I went with "spotted". By the same token, "as he walked" is unnecessary because it's pretty obvious that it's his walking that's kicking up the leaves.

Soon after, I mention that Catherine was "scrutinizing" her new son-in-law, but that feels like a "I just opened the Thesaurus" word, so I changed it to "watching".

Here's another original sentence: The tiny ember of his cigarette flitted in the air.

I changed that to: The ember of his cigarette danced in the air.

First of all, what the hell hallucinogen was I on that I thought "flitted" was a good word? I'm not crazy about "danced" but it's better than "flitted". Also, I think cigarette embers are tiny by nature, so no need to keep that word. But, really, given the passage, I'd rewrite the whole thing like this:

The ember of his cigarette danced in the air as he talked with someone from his side of the family near the bar. She guessed he was telling some asinine story. It was the most she'd ever seen him talk. I really don't know him at all, she thought. She shook her head.

When I was a younger writer, I used to italicize character's thoughts all the time (as I did in the original above). I think the rewrite above demonstrates that the italicizing is unnecessary... maybe even gimmicky.

Here's another passage followed by the changes: Catherine didn't believe he'd ever start the contracting company he sometimes made claims about. The way he talked about the business reminded her of her father and the way he had always talked about saving enough money to move the family out of Redford into nearby Farmington Hills. Despite his talk, her father still lived in the same small three-bedroom he had purchased when he'd first started on the line at Ford.

Changed to: Catherine didn't believe he'd ever start the contracting company he brought up occasionally. The way he talked reminded her of her father and how he had often spoken about saving enough to move the family out of Redford into nearby Farmington Hills. Despite his lofty planning, her father still lived in the same small three-bedroom they'd purchased when he'd first started on the line at Ford.

Some of these changes were just to get rid of some irritating repetitions, like how often "talk" appeared in various forms in the original passage. Also, the repetition of "the way". I don't know why exactly, but I prefer "brought up occasionally" over "sometimes made claims about." I also dropped "about the business" because I think it's implicit that's what she is referring to. I dropped the word "money" because it was also implicit that "saving enough" was referring to money. (What would he be saving otherwise to purchase a house? Toe nail clippings?)

Another original: The dinner had ended over an hour ago and now guests were moving about and talking.

To: The dinner had ended over an hour ago, and now guests were mingling. ("Mingling" means moving about and talking. Why use four words when one word will do the trick?)

Also a weird one: The DJ played slower music so couples could dance. The word "music" strikes me as an odd choice when "songs" works so much better. A DJ plays songs, young Van!

Most of the other changes are minor. More than anything, I cut down on how many times I used her full name... "Catherine". I find it clunky when authors repeat their character's name too much. Use a pronoun when it doesn't create confusion. I'm often telling students, "You need to go back through and cut about 60% of the times that you use the character's full first name."

I've been asked from time to time to present at writers conferences. I sometimes give a presentation called "Make Every Sentence Sing"... which pretty much walks people through the process of scrutinizing every sentence they've written (yes, in this instance, I think "scrutinizing" works).

Now, are all of my sentences singing above with the new changes? Probably not the perfect song, but I feel they are a little more in tune.

Some tips. Give yourself ample space between "finishing" and starting to edit. (Even a month could be good if you have that kind of time). Print a hard copy. Get marks on there ASAP. Look for unnecessary words and thesaurusized words. Question every choice.

For me, at least, this kind of editing is the most rewarding. The hard work of getting the story down has already happened. Now it's just polishing. But don't skip the polishing or you could end up with a book like mine which I find very difficult to read because there's so much I want to change.

If you find my blog posts instructive, please consider purchasing a copy of my new book of short stories, The Neighborhood Division, as a donated payment for the "class."

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