Currently, I'm on the third draft of my new literary horror novel, The Dance of Rotten Sticks. It's at the point where I need to get really tough with my wording choices. As writers, there are words that we often abuse, and they make for weak sentences.
The words I'm thinking of relate to the senses. I've talked about this in a previous post about line editing, but I want to get more specific.
My novel is in past tense, so the words I'm looking for are: saw, heard, and smelled.
Let me give you an example of why these words make weak sentences.
Isaac walked out the front door. He saw the lake roiling in the wind.
versus
Isaac walked out the front door. The lake roiled in the wind.
There are many improvements in that second version. First, we don't have two back-to-back sentences in which Isaac is the subject. Second we get rid of the weak verb "saw" and replace it with "roiled." Third, it's more than obvious that Isaac is taking this in through his eyes, so there's no need to account for that particular sense.
So, what I'm doing in Word is using the "find" function. I just finished searching for the word "saw" and I made about 30 changes as a result. Now, I'm going to look for the word "heard." The beauty of using the "find" function is I don't have to read through the entire manuscript scrolling for these words.
Okay, let's see what I find and how I change them.
The first one is a two-for-one... I found this sentence with a "saw" that I didn't cull during the last round.
Here's the sentence:
He heard the river before he saw it.
I changed that to:
The river murmured in the distance before it came into his sight.
Beautiful... swapped out a dull "heard" for a robust "murmured." And since murmurs can only be heard, it's obvious that he's hearing it.
Taken out of context, this next one doesn't make much sense, but it's still problematic at the wording level.
Holding his net flush against the bottom, he flipped the switch and heard the familiar high-pitched beeping.
I changed that to:
Holding his net flush against the river bottom, he flipped the switch on the electrofisher. The familiar high-pitched beeping pulsed from the pack.
The changes I made here ended up being for clarification, but I also swapped out "heard" for "pulsed"... and since high-pitched beeping can only be heard, there's no reason to indicate that he's taking the stimulus in through his ears.
Here's the next:
Not even a distant calling of the unkindness could be heard in any direction.
That needs a little explanation. A group of ravens is called an unkindness. He had just been dive-bombed by a group of ravens in the trees above him. He dove to the ground to avoid them, but when he flipped over they were gone. So... let's see if I can get rid of that "heard."
Not even a distant cawing of the unkindness remained.
I kept this one simple, and it worked well with the sentences around it (always something to keep in mind while editing)
Here's one from a tense conversation with his mother-in-law:
He heard the snarl in his voice and tried to soften it.
I changed that to:
He softened the snarl in his voice.
Got to swap "heard" for "softened"... a much stronger verb. I also got rid of that weak "and tried to." Bonus!
Another one:
Watching a stream of chip-speckled batter expand into a circle on the skillet, he heard Emily screaming.
And that became:
As Isaac watched a stream of chip-speckled batter expand into a circle on the skillet, Emily screamed from the bedroom.
Swapped out "heard" for "screamed." Not bad!
Here's another:
They heard Silas’ voice asking if everything was all right.
Some of these could require the other sentences around it for context, but trust me that this is better:
On the other side of the threshold, Silas asked if everything was all right.
Almost done, but here's another:
Positioning himself between it and Silas, Isaac heard the back door to the cabin close behind him.
This is better:
As Isaac positioned himself between Silas and the back door, it slammed closed behind him.
Okay, this one is weird (his son sometimes pees in the kitchen when he sleepwalks)
Then, one night, Isaac heard a distinct sound and bolted to the sliding glass door to see Carson with his pajama bottoms and underwear around his ankles.
Changed to:
Then, one night, a tinkling sound sent Isaac bolting to the sliding glass door to witness Carson with his pajama bottoms and underwear around his ankles.
And another:
Sitting on the porch, Isaac heard the muted sounds of his son through the glass behind him where he was stationed again at the window sill with his toy cars.
To:
Behind him, the muted sounds of his son came through the glass where Carson was stationed again at the window sill with his toy cars.
More:
She tapped the side of her phone, and he heard the murmur of her music again.
To:
She tapped the side of her phone. The murmur of her music leaked into the room again.
He thought he’d heard footsteps coming behind them.
This was a fun one... I just turned it into an actual thought:
Were those footsteps gaining behind them?
And that's it. Did I expunge all of the "heard"s? No, that's not the goal. Sometimes the word "heard" made sense. I just edited the sentences in which "heard" was making for a weak construction, especially in instances where there was no doubt that he was taking the stimuli in through his ears.
With the "find" function in Word, this sweep of "saw", "heard", and "smelled" went pretty quickly.
Want to tighten up your prose? Try this activity with a piece that you think is near finished.
UPDATE: When I searched for the word "smelled" I only found three, which tells me I might not have engaged that sense enough in the manuscript. When I read through it again, I'll look for places to emphasize that sense where it's relevant.
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