Kicking Some As... Out of Your Prose

I've taught fiction writing for the past 15 years. For workshops, I have students read their work aloud while the rest of us follow along with our own copy. We can mark up the story as the writer reads. Usually when the student is done reading aloud, I'll say to the others, "Now spend about ten minutes with the story on your own jotting comments in the margins before we have discussion."

One thing I have noticed is the overuse of the word "as." Students, but probably many fiction writers, have their character doing something "as" they are doing something.

For example...

"She crumpled the bill in her hand as she looked out the window."

Now is that sentence terrible? No. Grammatically incorrect? No.

But, does the effect of using "as" water down both actions? Well, I think it can.

If I saw this in a student story, I would probably change it to.

"She crumpled the bill in her hand. Stepping over to it, she looked out the window."

For me, that gives more power to the separate actions of first, crumpling the bill, and then second, looking out the window.

Let me see if I can give a more detailed example. For my example, I'm really going to abuse the word "as" just to make my point:

Gerald was sitting at his kitchen table as his wife came in from outside. She kicked off her boots as she looked at him with disappointed eyes.

"Cold out there?" he asked as he looked down at the beer can in his hand.

She didn't answer as she took off her gloves and threw them on the counter.

He took a sip as she walked to the refrigerator. As she opened the door, light shined into the dimly lit room.

"There's nothing to eat," she said as she closed the door. The room was dim again.

"I meant to get groceries," he said as he took another longer sip.

She walked to him as she crossed her arms. She stood over him as he looked down at his empty beer can.

"Always seems there's something you meant to do," she said as she uncrossed her arms and walked out of the room.

She turned on the television in the living room as he stood up and walked to the fridge. As he opened the door, he saw that the only thing in the fridge was a case of Schlitz and a half empty bottle of ketchup.

As he closed the door, the room darkened again.

Compare that to...

Gerald was sitting at his kitchen table. His wife came in from outside. She kicked off her boots. Then she looked at him with disappointed eyes.

"Cold out there?" he asked. He looked down at the beer can in his hand.

She didn't answer. Instead, she took off her gloves and threw them on the counter.

He took a sip. She walked to the refrigerator and opened the door. Light shined into the dimly lit room.

"There's nothing to eat," she said. She closed the door. The room was dim again.

"I meant to get groceries," he said. He took another longer sip.

She walked to him. She crossed her arms and stood over him. He looked down at his empty beer can.

"Always seems there's something you meant to do," she said. She uncrossed her arms and walked out of the room.

She turned on the television in the living room. He stood up and walked to the fridge. He opened the door and saw that the only thing in the fridge was a case of Schlitz and a half empty bottle of ketchup.

He closed the door. The room darkened again.

For me, the second passage has a different feel with the absence of "as." Each movement has a weight that is diminished somehow when coupled with another action by the use of "as".

I think it's especially evident in the dialogue tags. I don't know if characters should say something as they are doing something.

If you're wondering if you have a lot of "as" in your work, it's easy enough to use the Find function in Word. See what happens to your own writing/style when you make an effort to kick some "as" out of your prose.

I'm not saying every "as" is bad... but I think it's an easy word to abuse, and you could be stripping symbolic potential from the smallest actions by overusing "as".

If you find my blog posts instructive, please consider purchasing a copy of my new gothic horror novel, The Dance of Rotten Sticks, as a donated payment for the "class." (Just $2.99 on Kindle!)

The Dance of Rotten Sticks